If you see this sea lawyer coming down the street you probably already smelled his rum-soaked breath before he turned the corner.

Big Al’s always searching for rum—you can find this rouge closest to the bar, advocatin for a free drink.  He’s argumentative, disagreeable, and downright nasty.  Ask for wise counsel, and he’ll tell you where to find it, but only after talkin your ear off for 20 minutes (arrgh!). The worst part of listening to him jabber is that he’ll bill you for his time, in one-tenth of an hour increments.  Whatever you do, don’t ask for any war stories—they’re long, boring, and expensive.

Don’t ask him to sing a song cause he’ll belt out something unrecognizable and unbearable.  Of course, he’ll send you a bill for that too.


Favorite songs: songs sung by others while on retainer.

Favorite weapon: if you have to ask, it’s too late.

Scariness factor: above average.


Pirate since: yesterday.